please...help me...
I'm slipping. Slipping beyond my control into an abyss of ugliness, backbiting and mistrust. After fighting a whole year to keep my precarious balance atop the fence of neutrality, I feel myself grasping desperately to hold on. This whole boarding house experience, perhaps it would be significant to say, this whole girls' boarding house experience, might just be eating me up from the inside if I'm not careful. And maybe the process has started already. I beg you, give me the strength to leave this place alive, unscathed, this sometimes vicious place.
Perhaps it's the fact that everyone's just living in such close proximity all day all the time that you eventually begin to grate against each others' nerves, and seeds of insecurity and paranoia are sown in the hearts of those you once called your friends. It's terrifying, to see the ominous and steady decay of the sweet side of human nature, and watch, in mute despair, the hypocritical breaking and forming of new alliances, and in its wake, new enemies.
I've been lucky enough to keep myself at a safe distance all this time, keeping myself as far away as possible from the politics that chip away and crack the foundation of a community forced to live together. It's amazingly difficult to try and keep on everyone's good side and be sociable at the same time. Friendship is a progressive thing. The further you get along with it, the smaller the gap between two people becomes. But for me, sometimes, it's a little too close for comfort.
Suddenly you find yourself caught in the middle of a backbiting session, of which you had no part of and want to be no part of. Suddenly you find yourself hearing cold, vindictive words directed at another, while you bow your head and stare into blankness, trying to unhear all you did. Suddenly, you find yourself wanting to wash out your eyes, wash out your ears and scream, "Why does it have to be so ugly? Why must we put up such a horrible show of pretense?" It's awful to think of those people being talked about, or those being blatantly treated with ugliness and it's awful to think, that simply by being at the wrong place at the wrong time, you could be misunderstood as being a part of it all.
It's ugly ugly ugly >_< !!! What can I do but seek constant refuge in my room, my sanctuary, and close my eyes and ears and mouth and wait for it all to pass? When will it all pass? When will I see the beauty again?
Perhaps it's the fact that everyone's just living in such close proximity all day all the time that you eventually begin to grate against each others' nerves, and seeds of insecurity and paranoia are sown in the hearts of those you once called your friends. It's terrifying, to see the ominous and steady decay of the sweet side of human nature, and watch, in mute despair, the hypocritical breaking and forming of new alliances, and in its wake, new enemies.
I've been lucky enough to keep myself at a safe distance all this time, keeping myself as far away as possible from the politics that chip away and crack the foundation of a community forced to live together. It's amazingly difficult to try and keep on everyone's good side and be sociable at the same time. Friendship is a progressive thing. The further you get along with it, the smaller the gap between two people becomes. But for me, sometimes, it's a little too close for comfort.
Suddenly you find yourself caught in the middle of a backbiting session, of which you had no part of and want to be no part of. Suddenly you find yourself hearing cold, vindictive words directed at another, while you bow your head and stare into blankness, trying to unhear all you did. Suddenly, you find yourself wanting to wash out your eyes, wash out your ears and scream, "Why does it have to be so ugly? Why must we put up such a horrible show of pretense?" It's awful to think of those people being talked about, or those being blatantly treated with ugliness and it's awful to think, that simply by being at the wrong place at the wrong time, you could be misunderstood as being a part of it all.
It's ugly ugly ugly >_< !!! What can I do but seek constant refuge in my room, my sanctuary, and close my eyes and ears and mouth and wait for it all to pass? When will it all pass? When will I see the beauty again?
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home