reconciliations

My mom and I went out shopping today. And we rested, finally, on one topic which I had wanted so much for so long to talk to my parents about. I guess it was brought on by their finding out of my brother's love interest/girlfriend thing, especially when he's only 13. I was half waiting, half expecting for her to bring this up.

So what? I said. I like it. It's interesting, it's exciting to see him growing up and starting to go through all these new experiences. I not only agree with it, I ENDORSE it. But he's only 13, came the defense, followed by a well-worn lecture I've heard so many times before.

Click.

That was the sound of a torrent of words unlocking itself. Words that I have been wanting to say for so long, rehearsed innumerable times, played at the tip of my tongue, but inevitably disappearing back again into the recesses of my mind because I was too afraid to say them.

I have tried so long to make them see my point of view. I can't blame them. It has been ingrained so deeply into them to educate me on the evils of being in a relationship, how it would ruin your life, your studies, your future if you get involved when you're only in secondary school, only because they grew up the way they did and lived in the society they lived in, thinking the mindset that was so much a part of their lives. It's not completely their fault.

I had long predicted the outcome of events. And I've seen it before, mirrored in my friends' lives. The eldest child gets the strictest rules, the overprotection and the restrictions but slowly, as the years wear on, and your other younger children start growing up and going through the same thing, you grow more lenient and more open minded. Simply because you've been through it before and now you know better what to do and how to handle it. I guess it's a learning process for both parties, and the strictness was just something that I had to go through, that came as part of the job description of being the oldest kid in the family. Always the first, always the guinea pig. Huh.

I see how lenient they've become with my brother and my sister, and the little gnome of immaturity that still resides in me thrashes about indignantly, screaming, it's not fair not fair not fair. But life's never fair anyway. But I only feel that way for awhile. It's more of, I really should be feeling unsatisfied because they're having an easier time and I had to go through hell over the same issues, but I wouldn't wish the same upon them. I mean, it's great, it's happyfying ^^ that my mom has finally reached the pivotal point which would give my siblings the teenage years and more importantly, the relationship with my parents that I dreamt about, but never enjoyed.

They know now, they admit now that it's not going to do any good if you keep fighting against relationships. The only outcome from that in my life is that you drive your child further away. You say I'm cold, and I'm not affectionate and I'm this blistering streak of independence in the sense that I don't need you to be around for me, but think back a little bit. If at any point before, I needed or wanted help, I couldn't turn to you.

I had to do things behind a mask of lies and deception, playing with you a treacherous game of hide-and-seek. Only, I was hoping feverishly you'd never find out. And when you did find out in the end...oh god. Those are memories I never want to revisit. I was terrified to death, thinking how doomed and dead and buried I was, and my imagination started to entertain all sorts of possibilities to get out of it. More lies? A raw confession? A discussion? A plea? Escape? There was never a happy ending. Only more lies. Lies I'm still living in.

My mom came into my room just now, and for the first time, she said, "I'm sorry." And admitted that sometimes, when she thought about it, she realized that she'd been treating my siblings a lot more leniently than she had with me, and that made her sad and wish that she hadn't been so harsh and strict the last time.

I could hardly believe my ears. I just sat at my desk, staring unblinkingly at my laptop.

And then.

It was like a 5 year feud (which festered more badly in the last two years) being dissolved in that little moment in time. The reconciliation that I had been waiting for came to us at last, and I started crying. Mom hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, sobbing herself, but I stoned, as I have always done. I'm not used to any show of affection with my mom, and I always cringed whenever she would hug me. Shrinking away, pushing away, adding one more brick to that wall between us. It's wrong I know. I suppose I should try harder to love my mom like a daughter should. I suppose really deep down inside I do, just that I don't show it...

Either way, I apologized too. For my behaviour, for the times where I must have came across as rude or uncompromising or cold or anything. But when it was done, it was a load off my back. Our backs, I'd think. It's no walk in the park having a stormy relationship with anyone you live in the same house with, especially if it's your mom.

I'm glad it's over now. We don't talk about it nor make any reference to our half a day of heated and emotional 'discussions'. But maybe, hopefully, my mom and I have finally arrived at the clear after the storm.