if only i could

It's raining now. And it was raining this morning. In fact, it didn't stop raining all day. ARGH!

Fuck.

I needed to say that. I don't usually use profanities, there has been no reason to. A momentary lapse. People need to release whatever pent up frustration sometimes, and because I so seldom use this word, it gives me satisfaction to say it just once.

I don't think I'm mad at the rain. I love rain, just not so much in Melbourne in winter. It's like wading through crushed ice...the way my legs felt today as I shopped around the city with Charlene, Ruth and Sharlotte. It was pretty fun anyhow, despite my bedraggledness. Bought a black top, but that's of no significance.

I'm in a bad mood. For so many reasons only I know. Want so much to gripe to scream to cry to seek consolation, but I'm feeling lonelier than ever tonight. Which makes me even more sour. I think I'm getting mood swingy nowadays. I don't lose my temper, probably because there's been no occasion to, but I think it's also cause nothing can really get me angry these days. Annoyed, yes. But I don't think feeling annoyed is really the same as anger. In fact, I think my feeling annoyed is really more suppressed anger. Which brings me back to square one. I don't lose my temper, only because I'm suppressing my temper a lot. Only, I'm never really happy most of the time.

It's at times like these where I think. Damn. I don't want to be here. I don't like being here. Why did I have to be sent here. But I mustn't. It's too late for regret...that phrase is like a mantra to me. To help me stop thinking about it, until eventually, the doubts, the questions, the dissatisfaction, the unhappiness, ebbs slowly away. To say that I dislike living in Aus is not entirely true...but sometimes, it's not entirely false either.

And that adds to my frustration. I'm supposed to be appreciating this more. Other people haven't got such opportunities as I have, and I sorely wish they did. Because it makes me feel bad, that I have these opportunities mainly because I am financially able to. I don't want to be admitting this...that I am unhappy with how things worked out to be, sort of, and sometimes, but eventually it will come out. Saying this here gives me the impression that someone's listening, which is probably true.

But then, that is not the issue nor the reason for my bad mood, my being here. It's merely a thing brought about from me being in a bad mood. Either way...this little rant has gone a little way in alleviating whatever uneasy, unpleasant feeling that I'm feeling right now. I'm not homesick. I'm not the type that gets homesick, in the way some others do. Sure, I miss aspects of life in M'sia, like the food, the company, the atmosphere. But that's not what homesick means. Homesick, to me, is being unable to handle very well the separation from family for a period of time.

But tonight. Tonight, I just want to be home.